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Domestic Abuse

We tend to think of domestic abuse as violent physical behaviour, which it often is. But just as damaging can be the psychological, emotional, sexual or financial violence and bullying that can take place in a relationship.

The difficulty is that the person who is violent is controlling, and so getting out of the relationship can be the hardest thing to do. It seems the more you stand up to them, the worse it becomes... and it's so easy to think that it's your fault, if you were nicer or more what they wanted, it would stop.

Netmums is working with Women's Aid to support women who are suffering domestic abuse.

Find out what help they can provide and read about their Survivor's Handbook.

For other organisations who might be able to help, access Women's Aid's list of local domestic violence services or take a look at our local listing of support groups

This list, from Women's Aid, can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship:

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.

• Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to withhold money; disconnect the telephone; take the car away; commit suicide; take the children away; report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with their demands regarding bringing up the children; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.

• Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.

Harassment: following you; checking up on you; opening your mail; repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public.

Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want to have sex; any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.

Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

Where you can get help?

Have you met your health visitor before? You perhaps won't have realised that Health Visitors see a lot of people who are struggling with violent relationships. She will be used to dealing with people in your situation, it's one of the 'things they do', and they know a lot about it and how to help. So either ring your doctor's surgery to make an appointment or find out what days your health visitor has a 'drop in' clinic for mums... if it is possible for you, they will come and see you at home or meet you somewhere. You can always talk to your doctor too.

And did you know... you can be housed with your children in a refuge the same day you ask. So if you go to your doctor or health visitor and you are wanting to get out, they will help - you can wait there and go straight to a safe place with your kids.

People sometimes cringe when you mention Social Services, but they are working really hard to win the war on Domestic Violence - you can arrange to meet someone in a 'neutral' place - they won't have to come round to your house, and you can just have a chat - they'll be able to give you lots of tips and support.

You can call the Victim Supportline if someone has been violent towards you in any way, on 0845 30 30 900 (Mondays to Fridays 9am-9pm, weekends 9am-7pm).

Shelterline is a national housing helpline. They can provide emergency access to refuge services and you can contact them free on 0808 800 4444 (8am - midnight).

Men's Advice Line is an organisation that supports men who are experiencing domestic violence. They can help with relationship violence, whether in a heterosexual relationship, a same-sex one, or even if the violence is from another person such as a child or a carer. Call 0808 801 0327 (Mondays to Thursday 10am-4pm).

Jewish Women's Aid is a national organisation, mirroring the work of Women's Aid within the Jewish Community you can call them on 0800 591 203.

Finally, don't forget the Samaritans - they are ALL about talking and helping - you can contact them on: 08457 909090

Local Domestic Violence Support Groups.