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It's a dad's life!

Over 3,500 Dads took part in our questionnaire about relationships, life and work and what's going on for Dads. Thank you so much chaps for taking the time (and thanks girls for passing it on to them).

It's a very relevant time to tell you about the results, as the Netmums Online Relationships course kicks off. So before we start work on making our relationship better, it is really helpful to get an insight into what is going on in our man's life.

It shows what Dads think about work and family life, about the stresses that they face, and who is available for support when things get tough.

Work life balance

We asked our partners what would be their dream work/life balance (although winning to lottery wasn't offered as an option!). We also asked them what the current working situation is in your house, so we could compare. Here is what they told us:

80% of us are in families where the man is the main earner
  

11% of the Dads who took part in this survey have wives/partners working full time 

But the really interesting conclusion is that while only 5% of us live in homes where we have an equal share of work/home/kids, 28% of Dads would find that the ideal scenario.

"With working permanent twelve hour nights for six nights a week we dont get to spend time as a family as much as i would like to, also we dont get to enjoy our time as a couple because we dont have time for just us for going out for a nice meal or cinema. but the highs far outway the lows,being a dad is the best job in the world,especially when i come home in the morning and my daughter runs to me shouting daddy daddy daddy, i get to spend more time with my child being on my shift pattern at work but just means missing out on a bit of rest. but that is of no importance when you see them happy and i can teach them things and play."

 

 

My ideal situation

 

My real situation*

Me working full time as the breadwinner and her taking the time to look after our children while they are young

 26%

33% 

Me as the main breadwinner, her with a part time job

 37%

 43%

Both working full time, with great childcare

 5%

 11%

Both working part time and looking after home and children between us

 28%

 5%

Her working full time as the main breadwinner and me looking after home and children

 4%

 6%

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* A further 2% are unemployed 

Who is in charge?

Only 36% of Dads feel they have equal responsibility for things to do with the children.

When asked if they feel they have enough involvement with their children, 40% feel they "miss out on a lot of time with the children"

And 22% of Dad's said that their partner is definitely in charge when it comes to the kids and knows what's best for them, whilst Dads just "go along with it.

Here's a lovely comment about how parenting works:

"Parenting is like a treadmill. With kids, a good meal leads to a good sleep, which leads to a happy house in the morning, which leads to happy parents, which leads to the desire to do fun stuff, which results in a happily tired child, which leads to more good sleep, and off you go. Before you know it, other great stuff starts to happen - trips to swimming or the park go well and everyone ends up feeling great. The best thing about being a dad is when you get the treadmill up to full speed - one success after another for a whole weekend, and then you leave for work on the Monday morning, waved off by a happy wife and two happy kids on the doorstep, knowing you couldn't have done any more to make everyone have a great weekend.

Sadly, sometimes you fall off the treadmill. A snuffly nose leads to no breakfast wanted, which leads to a grumpy morning, then no sleep, then no tea, then a bad night, and things spiral downwards. The worst things about being a dad is when you have to leave for work knowing that mum isn't up for the fight that day, and the kids just aren't on form. A bad day looms and you just have to drive away, knowing there's nothing you can do about it."

What stresses our partners most?

At Netmums we do a lot of research around us mums, we've even written a book about "How to be a Happy Mum"! But of course we can't be happy if our other half isn't (well it wouldn't be fair would it!)

So here is what is causing stress in our fellas lives:- 

No 1. 73% Family finances (no surprise there!)

No 2. 51% Lack of time to just do my own thing. Now this we did find interesting. We talk a lot about me-time for mums but actually over half of Dad's are feeling the stress about this lack of time to just be.

No 3. 50% are stressed about the amount of time spent at work - which links back to the fact that men are feeling they are missing out on family time.

No 4. Lack of sleep comes in at no 4 with 45% of Dad finding lack of sleep stressful (and we thought they didn't even hear the babies!).

No 5. 44% find it tough keeping the house and garden maintained.

No 6 is sex.  It seems we aren't putting out enough girls, with 41% stressed by  not enough sex (but more Dads are worried about the house and garden so its not too bad!).

No 7 is the emotional side of his relationship with you, his partner.  34% are stressed by arguing, not understanding each other, not feeling important in your life.

No 8 There is a tie for 8th place, with 17% for both: The extended family - either your parents and other relatives or his, with 17% finding this a major stress factor.

And join 8th is, sadly,  loneliness and lack of friends, with 17% choosing this as a major stress factor.

No 9 is sex again but this time Dads who find their partners too sexually demanding. Despite recent media reports about this, only 2% of our partners are finding this a problem.

"I love being a dad, but sometimes miss being just me too....that's a really harsh thing to say, and even now I want to delete it!! I just miss having time to do my own thing.
If I do get chance to do something, eg go fishing, I don't enjoy it as much as I think of my other half at home with the kids stressed, I think about the fact I'm not spending the small amount of free time I have with the kids and I also think why should I get to do this. It costs money which could buy shopping etc.
I also miss being the whole world to my partner. The kids do and always will come first for her now...yes that's how it should be, but I feel a little envious."

So what about our relationships? What do we argue about most and what does that mean for 'us' in the long term? 

Read the second half of the results on PAGE 2

 

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